Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
