I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
