Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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