I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
