Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There r osticjed everywhere
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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