I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
