I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
