Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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