dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
