He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
