I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
