can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My feet surprised me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
