The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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