I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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