party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
