I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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