Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
