Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
