Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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