In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
