The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize