Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
