Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
