i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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