Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
