Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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