you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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