I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just gift wrapped bread.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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