remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
