420 ftw
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
