I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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