Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize