you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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