Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
