Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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