I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
