xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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