i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
