you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
