wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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