sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i believe in u and ur pee
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
