Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
