no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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