im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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