we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
