The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
