He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
