I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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