Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
