This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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