i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
