Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
