Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
