So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
