You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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