Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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