You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
