The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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