but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
