I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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