Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
